{"id":6084,"date":"2016-12-02T06:00:18","date_gmt":"2016-12-02T11:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/?p=6084"},"modified":"2023-02-10T14:03:43","modified_gmt":"2023-02-10T19:03:43","slug":"reciprocal-altruism-psychology-gift-giving","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/2016\/12\/02\/reciprocal-altruism-psychology-gift-giving\/","title":{"rendered":"\u2018Tis Better to Give: Reciprocal Altruism and the Psychology of Gift Giving"},"content":{"rendered":"<figure id=\"attachment_6088\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6088\" style=\"width: 456px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"wp-image-6088\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b-300x201.jpg\" alt=\"heart in hands\" width=\"456\" height=\"305\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b-300x201.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b-768x514.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/3277839203_0ffd9d23e4_b-404x270.jpg 404w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 456px) 100vw, 456px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-6088\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Image courtesy flick&#8217;r user Sean McGrath<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I used to be<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">terrible at gift giving. I was always prolific in my gifts, sure, but I wasn\u2019t very good at picking them out\u2014I often bought gifts based on what I liked, and what I assumed the recipient <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">should<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> like. \u201cHere!,\u201d I was basically saying, \u201cI loved this book, so you certainly should as well.\u201d And that tends to make for a bad present\u2014not only is it not what the person in question wants, but it puts pressure on them to act like they enjoy it. Your gift becomes a sort of litmus test, even if that\u2019s not your intention. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Because that\u2019s the thing: there\u2019s a psychology to gift giving. There\u2019s a lot of social interplays, expectations, and realities at work behind the scenes. But there\u2019s also a joyful and deeply human reason why we love giving gifts, why giving people something makes us so happy, and why the clich\u00e9 about how it is better to give than to receive is actually true. In order to really enjoy the entirety of gift giving, though, we have to understand the psychology behind it. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And, it all seems to start with this first lesson: know thyself. <\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>The Concept of Reciprocal Altruism<\/b><\/h4>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m going to digress here in what seems like a weird tangent. Years ago, I was leaving a girlfriend\u2019s house. It was a cold, midwest morning, so I brushed the snow off her car so she could easily get to work. As I was doing it, I wondered if I was brushing her car off because I was a good guy, or if it was just that I wanted to <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">act<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> like a decent sort of bloke. <\/span><\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_6086\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6086\" style=\"width: 300px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-6086\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs-300x269.jpg\" alt=\"custom pendant necklace\" width=\"300\" height=\"269\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs-300x269.jpg 300w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs-768x688.jpg 768w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs-1024x918.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs-301x270.jpg 301w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/il_fullxfull.458248718_rirs.jpg 1500w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-6086\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">Know thyself was the first lesson of the oracles, and, ironically the best way to pick a gift | Image courtesy Etsy seller\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.etsy.com\/listing\/150816026\/nosce-te-ipsum-know-thyself-latin?ref=market&amp;source=aw&amp;awc=6220_1479745455_0be7a39753f689ca44634e6fe4832f08&amp;utm_source=affiliate_window&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_campaign=us_location_buyer&amp;utm_content=256677\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">ExpressioneryPendant<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But then I was struck: what\u2019s really the difference? Maybe, just maybe, there isn\u2019t one. I was being selfless (it really was freezing), but for selfish reasons. I wanted her to see me as a gentleman. And yet, regardless, her car was cleaned of the snow. There was a real lesson there\u2014i.e., motivations are complicated. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Indeed, if you look at the theory of reciprocal altruism, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Blank-Slate-Modern-Denial-Nature\/dp\/1501264338%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAIMLKPQSGTYE5YV6Q%26tag%3Dei-wish-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D1501264338\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">popularized by the neuroscientist Stephen Pinker<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, our inherent generosity is somewhat complicated. The theory is basically that if, in our prehistoric history, you helped someone fight off a lion, at some point they would help you build a fire. It was these mutual chains of dependence, based not on innate selflessness, but on mutual need, that led to our being hardwired for generosity. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><i><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A lot of people don\u2019t like this theory. They think it\u2019s too deterministic, too materialistic, and really, just not very romantic. But, just like me heroically brushing some snow off a windshield, it doesn\u2019t really matter what the ultimate motivation is. What matters is that the other person is happy. That\u2019s the real heart of gift giving, and that\u2019s why you have to know yourself. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You have to really think about your motivations. After all, you may ultimately be giving a gift because it makes you feel good to do so, but are you giving a gift to show off how great a gift giver you can be? Or are you doing it to genuinely make the other person feel happy? If it\u2019s the latter, that warm glow you feel for bringing a smile to their face is totally earned. <\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>Mutually-Assured Delight<\/b><\/h4>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That\u2019s what I finally managed to do this year. I read, months ago, that the author of a cookbook my wife loved was coming out with a new book. Mimi Thorisson wrote <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Kitchen-France-Year-Cooking-Farmhouse\/dp\/080418559X%3FSubscriptionId%3DAKIAIMLKPQSGTYE5YV6Q%26tag%3Dei-wish-20%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3D080418559X\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A Kitchen in France<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, which we had used to make our <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/urbanite-inspirations-for-a-rustic-farmhouse-dinner-party\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">rustic farmhouse feast<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Anyway, Mimi had written a new book, called <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">French Country Cooking. <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My wife, surprisingly, hadn\u2019t mentioned it, so I assumed she hadn\u2019t heard about it yet.<\/span><\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_6094\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6094\" style=\"width: 242px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/61PJzBAhKpL.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-6094\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/61PJzBAhKpL-242x300.jpg\" alt=\"French Country Cooking | Image courtesy Amazon\" width=\"242\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/61PJzBAhKpL-242x300.jpg 242w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/61PJzBAhKpL-218x270.jpg 218w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/61PJzBAhKpL.jpg 403w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 242px) 100vw, 242px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-6094\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">French Country Cooking | Image courtesy <a href=\"https:\/\/images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com\/images\/I\/61PJzBAhKpL.jpg\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Amazon<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Naturally, I bought the book. Normally I may have bought her some novel I loved, or an album that would show just how <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">deep<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">interesting<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">full of good taste<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I was\u2014because I was making the gift about me. But this was different. This was entirely, 100% about what she wanted, and what would make her happy. And it worked: she let out an audible squeal of glee when she unwrapped it. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hearing that squeal made me feel good\u2014great even. It\u2019s a feeling I recognized from flickering videos of our early Christmases, when the camera caught one of my parents smiling contentedly as their jittery Irish brood tore nuclear havoc through a flurry of beautiful tissue and wrapping paper. They were happy because <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">we<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> were happy, and their happiness was something genuine and pure. And <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">that\u2019s<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> the right way to give a gift. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The thing is, I think people make two big mistakes when gifting:<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They make the gift entirely about themselves, only thinking about the reciprocal part of the altruism; or<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">They deny themselves the pleasure of giving a gift, making it a miserable exercise in abnegation. <\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I should say there is no wrong way to give a gift, but both of these do seem wrong to me. When giving a gift, you should recognize and cater to the recipient\u2019s happiness, but be glad that you\u2019ll get enough from it as well.<\/span><\/p>\n<h4><b>3 Ways Psychology Affects Your Gifting<\/b><\/h4>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There are a few normal human psychological quirks that impact the gifts we give, and how we give them. Recognizing these traits can help you reduce the nervousness that comes with giving.<\/span><\/p>\n<figure id=\"attachment_6095\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-6095\" style=\"width: 300px\" class=\"wp-caption alignleft\"><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323.jpeg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-6095\" src=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323-300x300.jpeg\" alt=\"This is the thin gateway toward mutual happiness | Image courtesy Target\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323-300x300.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323-150x150.jpeg 150w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323-270x270.jpeg 270w, https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/50273323.jpeg 450w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><figcaption id=\"caption-attachment-6095\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">This is the thin gateway toward mutual happiness | Image courtesy <a href=\"http:\/\/target.scene7.com\/is\/image\/Target\/50273323?wid=450&amp;hei=450&amp;fmt=pjpeg\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Target<\/a><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>1. The fear of looking like there\u2019s something you don\u2019t know: <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s the same reason we sometimes don\u2019t ask, \u201cWhat do you want for Christmas?\u201d We think it makes us seem like we don\u2019t want to think about ideas on our own\u2014or like we\u2019re unsure of ourselves.<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>The solution: Ask!<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Asking someone what they want isn\u2019t a sign that you don\u2019t know them well enough, it\u2019s a sign you love them enough to get them something they truly want. It\u2019s a kindness, not a shortcut. <\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>2. The fear of trying and failing: <\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s way easier to imagine you\u2019d be good at something, and not do it, than to do it and fail. So it is with gift giving. If we try to find the perfect gift, and it isn\u2019t, in fact, perfect, we feel deflated, which is why we sometimes deliberately don\u2019t put any thought into a present. <\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>The solution: Try anyway.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> If you try to give a loved one something that matters, but come up short, that still means a lot more than giving a default, thoughtless gift. The effort actually does matter. Don\u2019t let that \u201cI don\u2019t want to be wrong\u201d voice overpower your \u201cI want to do my best\u201d voice.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>3. The need to one-up yourself: <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Think of a basketball player who is really good at shooting three-pointers. They\u2019ve gotten so good at it that the ability loses value for them, and they begin to think they also need to start trying to dunk more\u2014a skill beyond their reach. We do that to ourselves by thinking that if we gave a great gift last year, we have to give a <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">better<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> one this year\u2014and it has to be something completely different.<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 30px;\"><b>The solution: Don\u2019t.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Don\u2019t do this to yourself. I\u2019m not saying you should give the same thing every year. But don\u2019t think, \u201cWell, he really liked that subscription I got him to <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Foreign Policy<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, but now I have to change gears entirely!\u201d If someone liked something, they liked it. It isn\u2019t about the novelty, it\u2019s about their tastes. Keep that in mind, and you\u2019ll feel great about what you give. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s not selfish or inhuman to want to feel good about something you\u2019ve done for someone else. It gets to the heart of gift giving, whether you see it as a tradition dating back to the earliest human stalking around the savannah, or <\/span><a href=\"http:\/\/blog.elfster.com\/guide-hosting-anonymous-secret-santa-office-gift-exchange-coworkers\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">your coworkers playing Secret Santa at the office Christmas party<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. You\u2019re happy because you made someone else happy. You smile because you created a smile. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And you know what? That means the recipient of the gift gave you one as well. And then, your happiness becomes a secondary gift back to them. It\u2019s mutual, it\u2019s circular, it\u2019s something both parties enjoy, and it\u2019s what ultimately makes us human by reminding us that we\u2019re all in this together\u2014that love, mutual respect, and seeing another person as worthy of a gift, of a smile, of basic kindness, is the only way we can make it through the sometimes dark and lion-filled plains of life. And understanding that is maybe the greatest gift of all. <\/span><\/p>\n<p><b><i>Let us know how happy gift giving makes you by connecting with us on <\/i><\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/elfster\/?fref=ts\"><b><i>Facebook<\/i><\/b><b><i>,<\/i><\/b><\/a><b><i> Twitter @Elfster, or Instagram @Elfstergram. And, for carefree gifting inspiration, browse our <\/i><\/b><a href=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/shop\/\"><b><i>gift guides<\/i><\/b><\/a><b><i>.<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<div class=\"mh-excerpt\">I used to be terrible at gift giving. I was always prolific in my gifts, sure, but I wasn\u2019t very good at picking them out\u2014I often bought gifts based on what I liked, and what <a class=\"mh-excerpt-more\" href=\"https:\/\/www.elfster.com\/blog\/2016\/12\/02\/reciprocal-altruism-psychology-gift-giving\/\" title=\"\u2018Tis Better to Give: Reciprocal Altruism and the Psychology of Gift Giving\">[read more]<\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":2745,"featured_media":6088,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"inline_featured_image":false,"wprm-recipe-roundup-name":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-description":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[532],"tags":[],"class_list":{"0":"post-6084","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-gift-giving"},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>\u2018Tis Better to Give: Reciprocal Altruism and the Psychology of Gift Giving - Good Cheer | Elfster Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"It truly is better to give than to receive. 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